Cookery Special:Karundathi Broy Ulathiyathu

Its been a long time dream to write a cookery blog but I didn't want to repeat the same fish molly and chicken jolly that you see in every other recipe. On the quest for the perfect cookery recipe, I chanced upon a vegetable which will help me make an innovative recipe. This vegetable is called Karundathi Broy. Its usually grown in the inner parts of Kerala, most notably in Kottayam. The peculiarity of this variety is that only one of this kind is produced in a 100 years. It is as sour as a bittergourd, as hard as the toughest nut and makes your mouth itch like a pineapple, after you consume it. And taking its skin off can produce the same effect as peeling an onion. This peculiar dish is of the same ilk as of the famous karimeen ulathiyathu and doesn't have anything to do with the literal meaning of the popular malayalam colloquial word 'Ulathiyathu'.

Ingredients

25 m long boneless tongue(uncut) - 1
itchy character - 1 Bowl
knowledge seeds - 1/4 table spoon
Unpronouncable words paste - 1 dictionary full
India bashing oil - 1 Bucket full
army bashing concentrate - 1/2 Bucket
maoist support leaves - in adequate amounts
convicted terrorist support powder - more than adequate
'Holier than thou' attitude - 1 closet full
chilly powder - 1 kilo
Salt - 1 kilo

Preparation

Keep all the above ingredients ready on top of a newspaper(preferably a foreign one). All the operations in this preparation should only be done with your right hand as the human right hand can bring out special qualities in the vegetable. Wear gloves, eye protecting goggles and an apron. Wash Karundathi Broy in boiled water and spray some axe deo(because it stinks so bad). Now cut the top hairy portion of the vegetable and remove the part that looks like a human brain. It is useless in this particular preparation. You may use it as a football or yo-yo. Put the stove in maximum flame mode and heat the 'India bashing oil'. Cut the 'maoist support leaves' into small unrecognisable pieces and fry it in the heated up 'India bashing oil'. To reduce the flaring up and smoke, the 'army bashing concentrate' should be added at regular intervals during the entire preparation. Pulverise the 'knowledge seeds' and mix it well with the 'unpronouncable words paste'. The mix should be in the ratio of 5:95 of the former to the latter. Now put this mix into the frying pan containing the oil and leaves. Take the uncut boneless tongue and paste it all over with chilly powder and salt. Put this in the 'itchy character' bowl and mix well. Special care must be taken to ensure that the tongue is not harmed in anyway during the process. Add this also to the frying pan along with karundathi broy. Take a closet cleaning brush and mix the ingredients well. For added effect, the 'convicted terrorist support'powder can be spread over the mix. And when the mix gets a perfect uniform feel, take 'holier than thou attitude' from the closet and pour uniformly on to it. Keep it in the stove for 30 minutes.

This dish is best served hot. It is most enjoyed by people with a 'publicity hunger'. This dish is a preferred one in high society gatherings of human rights activists where they bitch about how bad India is.

Pic courtesy- Flickr

PS- Been out of blogs for a long time. My BSNL net connection is still down after 3 weeks. And I was also bombarded with a hell lot of work. And to top it all I lost my dear mobile phone which knows every secret about me in the last 4 years. The pain of losing so many contacts was pacified by the thought that I used it to the maximum. It has 3 missing switches, lots of lost paint and a hell lot of other malfunctions. Still I felt helpless when that idiot thief stole it from me last sunday at the majestic bus station in Bangalore. And to console myself, I ended creating a quote- "A lost phone is anyday better than a lost p****s". :)

Cutting Onion without crying

This is a plain translation of my Malayalam blog here-ithihaasan

A question which has been on the minds of scientists, expert chefs as well as housewives for millions of years-how to cut an onion without crying. A housewife crying incessantly in the kitchen after an onion cutting exercise is a common sight. When we started cooking in our flat, we had to face the same problem. Even when my friend cuts onion in the other room, I used to make a scene howling, screaming and crying. So, you can imagine what will be the story when I do it myself. Its at this juncture, when onion cutting turned into a constant nightmare that my mind began thinking deeply on measures to be taken to fight this onion monster.

This thinking first led me to my black cooling glass. And one day I tried it. I put on the glass and started cutting onion. The only thing that happened out of this experiment was that the red onion appeared black. The screaming and crying remained as it is. Some more days passed. One day, when I was preparing to cry, my eyes fell on the towel that I use to dry myself after a bath. I didn't give it a second thought. And so happened my successful experiment in tearless onion cutting. The steps to be followed in this are-

Step 1-Take the towel that you use to bath. Please don't take thick towels. Better to have a light one with small small holes.

Step 2-Tie the towel around your head in such a way that it covers your eyes. Take special care to not make yourself blind by tying it around 2-3 times.

Step 3-After tying the towel, take a look around your surroundings. Make sure that you can see everything clearly as before.

Step 4-No more steps. Just take the onion and start cutting. (with a smile)

PS-While doing this, if anybody mistakes you for a taliban terrorist and beats you to pulp, am not responsible


your crusader Praveen

Food for thought

Its been a long time since I spend a weekend fully at home. This week also I din't expect to be at home. But somehow, it happened. Two days fully at home, except for the odd trip to the nearby store to buy some items for our cooking extravaganza. Coming to cooking, it was real fun and a source of great satisfaction to eat food cooked by my own hand. For the past 22 years, I been eating food, never giving a thought to the work that goes behind it to make it . But now as I cut the vegetables or hide from the smoke of a boiling excercise gone bad, I suddenly realise how blind I really was to the hard working hands that made tasty food to sustain me for 22 years. I would've laughed at you if you were to tell me about two months back that I'll cook and eat my own food. But somehow it started and me and my friends are really enjoying it. The tears that come when I cut onions are partly due to the mischievious onion itself and partly due to the tears of gratitude to my mother for bearing with all my tantrums that I threw up wanting some specific item to be cooked. Hope I can cook a tasty meal someday for her.

your crusader Praveen