Master,I bow before thee

I've always believed calling a living person as GOD is not acceptable. God is something which can't be seen or touched, its something which can only be felt. But there are moments when even that strong resolve is broken. When you see a heavenly painting by an artist, when you see a brilliant guitarist ripping it apart in a concert arena, when you see men/women with a large heart helping millions of poor, when you hear a gifted musician at his peak, when you see a sportsman at his best...Yesterday was one of those days, which made me break that resolve and call Him GOD of cricket and fall at his feet.

Memories came rushing in as he crossed the 170 mark yesterday. The only source to know the score was the mobile and the 'secret' web page that our company forgot to block. And I was in the laundry after a fight with the security regarding a new idiotic 'policy' from the company. The wait for 200 took me back to school days, specifically to that innings of 186 not out against New zealand. We all crowded together in a house near our school. The drawing room was filled with us with the house owner craning his neck somewhere behind, just to catch a glimpse of that majestic innings. We watched almost the whole innings, bunking period after period and the lovable house owner played happy host. It was a small disappointment when he couldn't break Paki Anwar's record. We all went back hoping for the day when Sachin will score a 200. Almost a decade has passed since then. I can still recollect what all I did on a day when Sachin played majestic innings like this. Such innings of rare brilliance as the 98 against Pakistan in the 2003 world cup, when I rushed back from the maths tuition class to watch it from first ball. Many many days like that when all that mattered was Sachin scoring a century. Such is the influence he has on the life of an average Indian. A sad day at office or a boring day at school turned into an unforgettable day. Unremarkable days made remarkable and memorable for ever just because a man decided to unleash his genius on the cricket ground. Moments when sports ceases to be just that and becomes LIFE.

As he crossed 200, the phone started ringing non stop. Everyone wanted to share their joy with their near and dear ones. Among those calls were, two calls from friends in school whom I haven't talked to in a long time. But with whom I've watched many a matches in that house near school. And together we had waited for many a centuries and walked back dejected. Also have jumped together elated at many of his achievements. And it took Sachin again to take us back to those days, talk to each other and share the joy. Sachin is more than just a sportsman, He is a feeling that unites many a million minds. He united more Indians together, more than any RELIGION could. Somewhere down the line someone may overtake the 200, some may score 250. All those numbers may tumble one day. But, some things will remain unbroken...the feeling of unity that Sachin brings, the sheer batting perfection that he unleashed and that down to earth character. Taking it all in his stride, he marches on unchallenged, India's marathon man. 20 years, we graduated from lollipops to blackberrys...but He remains there, where he truely belonged...at the top...

PS-And all those critics can now shut up, FOREVER!
SO bye bye to Paki Anwar from the record books. Its been a pain seeing his name there on top!! :D

your crusader Praveen

fRock/cock in India:when backstreet boys come to India

A take on the rock scene in India....and why backstreet(gaystreet) boys SUCK bigtime!!!

We thought its a prank. Even after press releases and ADs, we refused to believe it. It sounded more like a prank rather than news. But, now with just one day remaining to the event, our worst fears are coming true. Indeed, now its clear that its not a prank that the mighty backstreet(gaystreet) boys are performing at India's one and only rock fest, 'Rock in India'. The hallowed Palace grounds which was host to some of the gods of rock and metal will be thrown open to a band which has come to be hated unanimously by rock fans all over the world. DNA, the organisers has done a sell out of epic proportions, unprecedented in rock history. Or perhaps, it will remain unmatched in future too.

It all started in the 2nd half of the last decade, the slow but sure rise of Indian rock. Rock bands were around in the country much before that, from the days of woodstock. But it was never known as a 'scene' outside the country. The odd international rock band did make its appearance during the 90s and the first half of this millennium. But there was something missing. There was a sudden explosion in the number of bands in the later half of the decade. It was not an isolated revolution. It was a sweeping one, literally from Kashmir to Kanyakumari. Would you believe that a small city like Trivandrum has more than 10 active bands? Then there are 'rock in the genes' kinda cities in the north east where there are more than 50 bands in each of them. And then there's the epicentre of it all, Bangalore. And with the advent of broadband internet and social networking platforms like myspace and facebook, it just exploded. From playing covers of international bands, Indian bands graduated to playing only original compositions. And the audience too matured with them and stopped screaming for covers. Infact, the crowd began singing along their original compositions at the concerts. Slowly, but surely, Indian rock found its feet.

DNA networks came as a godsend for the rock fans as they brought to India some of the best acts in the business. Back in 2007, when Iron Maiden came to India for the first time, 50,000 crazy fans filled up the arena. Bruce Dickinson and co. were overwhelmed by this response and visited us 2 more times in the next 2 years. In 2008, 'Rock in India' was born, a first of its kind fest in India featuring the legendary 'Megadeth' and 'Machine head' alongwith 9 other Indian bands. And in 2009, 'Iron Maiden' came back again to bless rock in India, though this time the support acts were below par. In between, the IITs brought in popular contemporary bands like 'opeth' and 'porcupine tree'. Then small rock fests began to emerge like the deccan rock fest featuring 'Amon amarth' and 'Textures'. We thought it couldn't get better. And towards the end of last year, DNA sent out a mail asking fans to select the bands which they want to see in 'Rock in India 2010'. It was a mouth watering list to say the least, boasting of bands like 'Slayer', 'judas priest' and 'Lamb of God'. We waited..impatiently..for 2010 to arrive.

Arrive it did, in the worst possible manner. DNA announced backstreet boys as headliners of Rock in India alongwith Richard Marx, a pop singer past 50, still singing songs about teen love. Nobody has a problem with them coming to India. But, why a rock fest?? That too, the only one the country can boast of. Agreed, even I did love their music while I was in school, before I realised how they are fooling us all. Its a band(not worthy to be called a band) which has never written a single line of lyrics on its own or composed its own music. Its all done by professionally hired men, whom you never get to see. All they do is lend their voices, which also is heavily processed to mask their lack of talent. The band was put together by a guy called Lou Pearlman, who wanted to convert his black money. And thus he created this band after a series of auditions and spent lavishly on the band. And, he did reap his benefits. He appointed the lyricists and producers. Yes, its not a typical band that came together because of their similar tastes in music. But a fraud man's brainchild to convert his black money. And all they sang about was love, broken hearts and the likes. All with mannerisms which caused them to be branded as a gay band. On stage, they lip synced. Nobody complained. Girls screamed out loud and their boy friends too screamed with them at the concerts. Its not for nothing its called POP. A corporate gimmick to manipulate popular culture to mint millions. And millions sang along, "I want it that way", the gay way, the lip syncing way, the sell out way. Its not a story of backstreet boys alone, but every other boy band. And most of their fans have grown out of that age and moved away to more mature music. Then, DNA tells India, 'surprise surprise..presenting before you, the backstreet boys live at Rock in India".

The Indian rock fans haven't taken this snub from DNA lightly. Head to any online forum, and you'll see hardcore fans ready to smoke the backstreet boys out of India. The Rock in India website was defaced twice. Renaming it 'Cock in India' and 'fRock in India'. Then there was the legendary Hitler youtube video where hitler comes to know about gayboys coming to the fest and all hell breaking loose. All we are asking for now is to change the name of the fest. Don't play with the self respect of the average Indian rock fan. Rock means much more than just the music. Its an ideology beyond money, religion and such things. Its origins can be traced to the protest music of the 60s. Sometimes its a call for revolution and sometimes its a call to break free. 'Rock in India' conjured up similar images and much more in us. It was a dream for many of us to one day see this fest becoming as big as 'Rock in Rio' or the 'download fest'. With this shameless sellout which the bosses at DNA described as "respecting the long standing demand for more commercial music from various quarters", those dreams lay shattered. And they say, its not a rock fest but a music fest and it will cater to music of all kinds. Then why the fucking hell you name it 'rock in India'? why not 'music in India' or 'pop in India'? Its an open secret that they wanted to popularise this fest among a 'different' kind of audience. But with this decision, they were digging their own grave. The previous times when they brought in pop acts like Enrique and Shakira for some independent fests, the crowd was maximum of about 5000. Whereas all the rock fests have somewhere around 30,000. Businesswise too, this is suicide. Another reason they are giving is that most of the international bands are on tour right now and many of them are also unaffordable. Give me a break guys! There are 1000s of bands available. Don't go for the big ticket acts if you don't have the money. Just give us a fest of Indian bands alone. Or just dont conduct the fest this year. Wait till your financial situation becomes better next year(which I doubt now).

Even more sad is the fact that some Indian bands have actually agreed to open for backstreet boys, which includes 2 bands I admire, 'swarathma' and 'Indigo children'. When I conveyed to 'swarathma' about our displeasure at such a promising band doing a sell out, what I got was a robotic reply saying "we dont care about who plays before or after us...come if you respect us". No band worth their self respect would agree to play at such a fest and here we have these guys talking about us respecting them. SHAME! Frankly, am thinking of destroying their CD though I love the songs. Already, there are talks of protest marches by rock fans at the 2 venues, Delhi and Bangalore. And there are every chances of small riots. And even a chance of some people actually buying the tickets to get in and throw bottles at Backstreet boys. I only pray that they get a really bad reception so that no pop band will ever think of visiting India. And its time the corporate assholes at DNA learned a lesson or two. Never mess with Indian rock fans. And thanks to these widespread protests, the Indian metal fans have come in for appreciation in various international rock forums. Hopefully more bands will be attracted to this wonderful audience here. Rock is not a passing fad, unlike pop. You'll never get to hear a dialogue like, "I used to listen to metallica in college". Once a rock fan is always a rock fan. You dont leave it behind and move on to other music as you leave the teens(which is the case with pop bands). DNA has betrayed such a loyal fan base. Their move is against the very idea for which rock stands for. DNA can better quit event management and go for PIMPING. Even pimps have more self respect. So, rock fans of India...raise your middle fingers in unison to the pimping corporation that is DNA. Let anarchy rule. Let gaystreet boys run for their life...\m/

and for rock in India 2010...the metal symbol becomes /m\ ..picturise it, what it conveys! :)

your crusader Praveen

Diplomacy? come again!

If someone were to talk about me, diplomacy is one word which would never make an appearance. Its one thing I've never believed in life. And its one thing which this blog too is not known for. Saying 'it sucks' when it really does SUCK won't be a big problem if you don't believe in this sham called diplomacy. It can cause some short term problems like backlash in the form of 'you too suck' or 'your wife sucks'. Some other times it can result in a broken nose or a blinded eye. But still you can live with the satisfaction of having said what you wanted to(considering the backlash dont get you killed). Diplomacy is just another form of hypocrisy. Most of the time you might be saying "I want to kick the hell out of you" in your mind while you just blurt out "This warm handshake does solve a lot of problems."

Diplomacy is the buzzword doing the rounds in India these days. That is, giving a rose when Pakis give us gunshots. Its the only way forward, we are told. Now what if the opposite was the only way forward. Talking what we feel is right rather than hiding behind carefully constructed rubbish statements. Some scenarios...

India-Pak dialogue

Zardari-"Lets talk peace"
Manmohan-"Shut up you piece of s**t"
Zardari-"Lets delink the terrorism issue from the dialogues"
Manmohan-"what the bloody hell is there left to talk after that"
Zardari-"Whats happening on the aman ki asha front?"
Manmohan-"Aman and Asha both ran around a tree at the speed of light. And both got f***ed royally.IN THE A**"


Husband-Wife

1.Wife-"Dont I look slim after today's 2 minute workout?Guess I lost 2 KGs"

Diplomatic husband-"I bet you lost more than 2. Infact your tummy looks even flatter than our TV."[In the mind, thinking of the old big bellied TV at the ancestral home)

Undiplomatic Husband-"Hahhaa, what a joke! Thats almost like 8 months pregnancy. Did you work out by eating those rock like idlis you make?"

2. Wife-"Honey, is this dress too sexy for office?"

Diplomatic husband-"Its ok dear. Anything fits you and you can carry it off well"

Undiplomatic Husband-"Am happy. In this hippie like dress where all your ugliness is revealed, no one will dare even look at you twice"




A client call at dildomys corporation

Client-"whats the status?"

Diplomatic PPPM(Paavam Pallu kozhinja Project Manager which means poor toothless PM)-"A case study is being conducted on the many ways the files that you supplied can be analysed. We've 2 resources available here to work on it after the case study. We are thinking of leveraging the advantage that we have in the PAVA platform so as to arrive at an optimal solution of the case study in the given time frame.

Client- Oho...

Undiplomatic SSSSSE(Senior Sexy Supervising Sucked to the core Software engineer)-"In simple words, we still haven't started because the input you send is a load of bulls**t."

Client(guess he's a diplomat too)-"really, what are you talking about? I dont get you"

Diplomatic PPPM-"There's been a confusion regarding the feasibility of using the inputs that you send.
The platorms and the standards of the (blah blah blah blah blah)x 10+(glah clah vlah chlah)x5"

Client-Oh. is that so?so, when can you get it delivered?EOD?

Undiplomatic SSSSSE-"Man, get a life. Correct yourself first. Dont waste time calling...avante oru EOD!!


At the appraisal discussion

Appraiser Mr.Ponnappan- Aaah well, Mr.Sebastein, Yours been a wonderful performance throughout the year.
Appraisee Mr.Sebastein(undiplomatic to the core)-As if I didn't know.
Ponnappan-You are in a real tough peer group.
Sebastein-I know what is coming.
Ponnappan-I am very much impressed with your result oriented approach. It also came in for special mentionm from the client side.
Sebastein-Tell me something that I dont know
Ponnappan-But your TL tells me that you are not interested in your work.
Sebastein-When did that moron learn mind reading?
Ponnappan-And also that you spend a lot of time on blogs and communicator.
Sebastein-Tell that loser to look at my work.
Ponnappan-But see sebastein, the thing is there are only a specific number of people that we can fix at any rating level. So its like a balancing act.
Sebastein-Cut out the jargon and come to the point.
Ponnappan-I wanted to place you in 1. But I had to go for mandanraj because he doesn't blog.
Sebastein-So am at 2?
Ponnappan-I wanted to place you in 2. But I had to give it to kundankumar because he doesn't use office communicator.
Sebastein-Better tell me straigh that am screwed.
Ponnappan-We have lots of free space in 3 and you are best fit there.
Sebastein-Now where should I fit you? All you do is fiddle with those useless excel sheets and roam around barking jargons. Take this you LOSER(gets out showing a raised finger) :)

So speak your mind. Dont hide behind words which you dont mean to say. Show the finger to diplomacy. Get slapped. Get bruised. Be proud!

your crusader Praveen

The permission granters

Some recent happenings in India reminds me of the olden golden days in school. The first complete sentence(or rather a question) I learned in LKG was "Tecaher, may I go to toilet?" Yeah, pissing was a favorite passtime. Many times the teacher would say, "No, you have to wait till the end of this period". Only if she knew some of my organs has a mind of its own. And the second sentence I learned was "May I come in teacher?" Suffice to say, this was all the english I learned the first few years in school. Now, coming to the matter, two days back Sharad Pawar was seen begging to Shiv Sena chief Bal thackerey, "Balasaheb, May I call aussies to play in the IPL?" And what does the toothless old tiger say with a cat-like roar? "No Sharad. Wait. Let me think and decide in two days". And so it is. The nation waits with bated breath to hear the verdict of a man, who should've been thrown out from the country in the first place.

We have such a long list of permission granters, the ones who call themselves patriarchs or whatever fancy name that comes to their mouth. Come valentine's day, and we'll again be witness to the annual ritual of burning cards, beating couples etc. In this case, even if you ask the saffron brigade for permission to celebrate, they wont give you. Its a question of their ideology(or rather lack of it) that they are not ready to tolerate any deviation. As I said in this blog last year this time, they are India's biggest gay rights activists. Yeah, you won't believe it, they'll beat even the fans of backstreet boys(or gaystreet boys, to be precise), in being the rightful rulers of the Indian gay kingdom.

If you head down to Kerala, you can't do anything without getting the red brigade's permission. A tea shop owner in Calicut learned the lesson the hard way, for not asking their permission before serving tea to Rahul Gandhi. The next day after Rahul's visit, the tea shop was closed down by the red men from the panchayat, citing the low quality of water. Yeah, they are not be blamed. He should've atleast asked them before serving tea to Rahul. If you get their permission, you can even get away with murder. Infact, they'll protect you. In Tamil Nadu, you'll have to get the permission of organisations like PMK before naming your film. English names are a strict no-no. And tamil names shouldn't be offensive to any of the million castes in the state.

Then there are our human rights activists. Before shooting a terrorist, its better to ask their permission. Else, you are surely gonna be pulled up for human rights violation. If you are a cricketer, before playing a shot, you better ask one of those million critics who never played cricket. They'll tell you if its right to play that shot at that particular juncture. Even if you are Sachin himself, you better follow this rule. But, amidst all this variety of permission granters stand the one and only undisputed one of the breed- Sonia Gandhi. Taking sychophancy to THE FAMILY to the next level, we have leaders of every shade asking her permission before arriving at decisions of any kind. The permission granter of permission granters.

your crusader Praveen

Year 2013

Yes, the earth is still turning. And all the alarmists who predicted THE END to happen one year back have gone into damage control mode saying that the clock at the 'Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change'(IPCC) was actually going anti clockwise. Self proclaimed climate man R.K.Pachauri was seen visiting the local watch repair shop in Himalaya. He now says that the deadline of 2035 that he set for the Himalayan ice to melt was not far from the mark. Just that he missed a worthless zero from the right side. And also his watch doesnt show the year.

'Dimes of India' is still the preferred newspaper in my home because of the 4 sheets of 'Bangalore dimes' filled up with hot pics of leading actresses. Now, with the government opening up media rights by framing more laws, we get to see a minimum of one nude pic a day in this four page supplement which is a staple read in some of the bachelor bathrooms here. Still, allegations of pictures copied from flickr pages persisted. And to stay connected with the roots, we still subscribed to the malayalam newspaper. As the 'Bangalore dimes' took its turns in the bathroom, the main newspapers will be lying useless in the couch.
Once in a while, I used to run through it and all it has given me is agony. You guys in 2010 will be happy to know that there wont be 'page 3' in 2013, just like there's no building 13 in some of the corporate houses. Instead, we have all the page 3 shifted to page 1. Today's lead news is about Speedika doublecone's 101st boyfriend and how they are planning to break up. The 40th part in the "My name is.." series is releasing this Friday. The series which started way back in 2010 with "My name is chan" stands out because the director-lead actor duos are all gay couples. The latest in the series is known as "My name is bland" directed by Karan blowhar and starring Humpman Khan. Bhetan Chagat has written his 9th book titled '69 positions', the title of which is inspired from the hard work he had to do for getting the proper credits in the movie adaptation of his previous book, directed by Karan blowhar.

The 2nd page has many ADs inviting tenders for various awards. You can be the best in whatever you want, provided you have the money. Sam Anderson won the national award for best actor after winning the auction last year. Ajmal Kasab was given Padmashri for 5 years of exemplary performance in Indian courts. Many other awards are on sale including the best in any category imaginable. There are separate columns for winners to indulge in self congratulation. Golit Toddy, the IPL commisioner says he'll run for president. Pakistani players are still not allowed to play in IPL. Chacrook Khan was seen shedding crocodile tears for not allowing them to play. "They should've atleast let kkkkkkkamran akkkkkmal play", he was seen saying. Afridi bit 3 stumps and the pitch at Lahore ground, in anger. The pitch was left with 3 big holes.

The obituary page is not my favourite. As I gave a passing glance, I saw a familiar face. Yes, its me. I checked again. Yeah, its me. It seems I died yesterday due to prolonged illness. No, wait...I have to wait till morrow's paper, because 'clarifications' are the order of the day. And yes , it came the following day- "Mr.xxx(yeah, thats me) is still alive. We regret the wrong information. We'll let you know as soon as he dies. Sorry for the inconvenience." Anyway my case is better than my neighbour Mr.yyy who has already died 4 times in the last one year. Thanks to the clarifications, he's still alive.

PS- Sad at the untimely demise of the gifted malayalam actor and scriptwriter Cochin Haneefa. May his soul rest in peace. The ugly episode yesterday, of the media announcing his death many hours before the actual happening made me write this post. Hungry for breaking news? Why not kill yourself and break the news first?

your crusader Praveen