Diplomacy? come again!

If someone were to talk about me, diplomacy is one word which would never make an appearance. Its one thing I've never believed in life. And its one thing which this blog too is not known for. Saying 'it sucks' when it really does SUCK won't be a big problem if you don't believe in this sham called diplomacy. It can cause some short term problems like backlash in the form of 'you too suck' or 'your wife sucks'. Some other times it can result in a broken nose or a blinded eye. But still you can live with the satisfaction of having said what you wanted to(considering the backlash dont get you killed). Diplomacy is just another form of hypocrisy. Most of the time you might be saying "I want to kick the hell out of you" in your mind while you just blurt out "This warm handshake does solve a lot of problems."

Diplomacy is the buzzword doing the rounds in India these days. That is, giving a rose when Pakis give us gunshots. Its the only way forward, we are told. Now what if the opposite was the only way forward. Talking what we feel is right rather than hiding behind carefully constructed rubbish statements. Some scenarios...

India-Pak dialogue

Zardari-"Lets talk peace"
Manmohan-"Shut up you piece of s**t"
Zardari-"Lets delink the terrorism issue from the dialogues"
Manmohan-"what the bloody hell is there left to talk after that"
Zardari-"Whats happening on the aman ki asha front?"
Manmohan-"Aman and Asha both ran around a tree at the speed of light. And both got f***ed royally.IN THE A**"


Husband-Wife

1.Wife-"Dont I look slim after today's 2 minute workout?Guess I lost 2 KGs"

Diplomatic husband-"I bet you lost more than 2. Infact your tummy looks even flatter than our TV."[In the mind, thinking of the old big bellied TV at the ancestral home)

Undiplomatic Husband-"Hahhaa, what a joke! Thats almost like 8 months pregnancy. Did you work out by eating those rock like idlis you make?"

2. Wife-"Honey, is this dress too sexy for office?"

Diplomatic husband-"Its ok dear. Anything fits you and you can carry it off well"

Undiplomatic Husband-"Am happy. In this hippie like dress where all your ugliness is revealed, no one will dare even look at you twice"




A client call at dildomys corporation

Client-"whats the status?"

Diplomatic PPPM(Paavam Pallu kozhinja Project Manager which means poor toothless PM)-"A case study is being conducted on the many ways the files that you supplied can be analysed. We've 2 resources available here to work on it after the case study. We are thinking of leveraging the advantage that we have in the PAVA platform so as to arrive at an optimal solution of the case study in the given time frame.

Client- Oho...

Undiplomatic SSSSSE(Senior Sexy Supervising Sucked to the core Software engineer)-"In simple words, we still haven't started because the input you send is a load of bulls**t."

Client(guess he's a diplomat too)-"really, what are you talking about? I dont get you"

Diplomatic PPPM-"There's been a confusion regarding the feasibility of using the inputs that you send.
The platorms and the standards of the (blah blah blah blah blah)x 10+(glah clah vlah chlah)x5"

Client-Oh. is that so?so, when can you get it delivered?EOD?

Undiplomatic SSSSSE-"Man, get a life. Correct yourself first. Dont waste time calling...avante oru EOD!!


At the appraisal discussion

Appraiser Mr.Ponnappan- Aaah well, Mr.Sebastein, Yours been a wonderful performance throughout the year.
Appraisee Mr.Sebastein(undiplomatic to the core)-As if I didn't know.
Ponnappan-You are in a real tough peer group.
Sebastein-I know what is coming.
Ponnappan-I am very much impressed with your result oriented approach. It also came in for special mentionm from the client side.
Sebastein-Tell me something that I dont know
Ponnappan-But your TL tells me that you are not interested in your work.
Sebastein-When did that moron learn mind reading?
Ponnappan-And also that you spend a lot of time on blogs and communicator.
Sebastein-Tell that loser to look at my work.
Ponnappan-But see sebastein, the thing is there are only a specific number of people that we can fix at any rating level. So its like a balancing act.
Sebastein-Cut out the jargon and come to the point.
Ponnappan-I wanted to place you in 1. But I had to go for mandanraj because he doesn't blog.
Sebastein-So am at 2?
Ponnappan-I wanted to place you in 2. But I had to give it to kundankumar because he doesn't use office communicator.
Sebastein-Better tell me straigh that am screwed.
Ponnappan-We have lots of free space in 3 and you are best fit there.
Sebastein-Now where should I fit you? All you do is fiddle with those useless excel sheets and roam around barking jargons. Take this you LOSER(gets out showing a raised finger) :)

So speak your mind. Dont hide behind words which you dont mean to say. Show the finger to diplomacy. Get slapped. Get bruised. Be proud!

your crusader Praveen