How to draw a Modern art?

This is my 200th post in this blog. wooohoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.

-John Ciardi,poet

Look, it's my misery that I have to paint this kind of painting, it's your misery that you have to love it, and the price of the misery is thirteen hundred and fifty dollars.
-Mark Rothko,modern artist

'Marathine varachittu maram ennu ezhuthi vekkunna paripaadi'(Drawing a tree and then writing 'tree' underneath it)
-Jayalekshmy, my friend

I had written about cooking an art movie here, sometime back. Here's a similar exercise with modern art. Modern art has always fascinated me. No, not in the way you think. Not in the way high society ladies blabber about during hi-fi dinners to sound 'coooool'. And certainly, not at all by a sudden blessing of God to understand the higher art. The fascination arose from observing some people's fascination to these. I still remember those days in college, when me and some of my friends visited modern art exhibitions just for watching the modern girls who turn up to watch these. Some of them just stare motionlessly at each and every painting for hours that I've sometimes wondered whether they are conducting statue exhibitions along with the art exhibtions. And not to be left behind in the 'art of admiring art', we also just stood and stared. Then in between made comments like 'the colour scheme is just perfect', 'the shades could've been made a little bit darker'. And, then we saw those ladies looking at us. Thats when the painting caught our eye. It was almost fully black, with no colours at all.
In our company reception building too, there are some modern art hanging proudly from the walls. The title of one of those is 'Grey,black and yellow'. And thats exactly what we get to see. Just some random lines and spills with these 3 colours. That gave me some ideas and I decided to be a modern artist myself. Here are some tips for those who want to join my path.

1. Observe and study lots of paintings in the modern art genre. You would never understand anything. Well, Thats the point and the first lesson in this profession. This should be your aim.

2. Sit in a room alone for 24 hours, doing nothing. Just keep on thinking randomly. Don't think everyday thoughts, keep it abstract. For example, why is blue, blue in colour? What if today is tomorrow and tomorrow is today?(this last question is patented by yours truly and I was actually beaten up by friends for asking this the day before the public exam). This excercise is to mentally prepare you for the ordeal ahead.

3. Arrange a drawing board in a secluded place. And get all the colour palettes ready. Now, keep your mind blank. The point is never to think of any subject lest we make a drawing that is understandable to common men. The 1 day thinking process was to confuse your mind with too many thoughts.

4. Mix more than 2 colours in the palette and start from the centre of the canvas. Now your mindset should be as same as when you were 3 years old and busy making your home a modern art gallery. Think of the motion of a stoned snake and replicate it on the sheet. Only the motion, not the actual snake.

5. Now, dip your brush in a colour and just wave it towards the drawing board. Repeat this with all the colours.

6. Again, dip your brush in a colour and slowly move it touching the top edge of the drawing board. You can see patterns developing which may look like somebody had a loose motion on the drawing board. Use a suitable mix of yellow and red in this.

7. Take an old toothbrush that you are not using now(only if you have the habit of changing tooth brushes atleast once in 10 years). Dip it in green. Lets now give the painting a much needed brushing. Just do it randomly at odd places.

8. Repeat the above steps repeatedly a number of times until you end up with a confusing collage of colours. Now let your imagination run wild and paint some unnatural figures randomly. You are done!

9. Now comes the most important part. Naming and explanation of the painting. Name can be anything as random as 'ramblings' to something as specific as 'human mind'. But, the way you explain it is what matters. Bringing in social issues can give you weightage in art circles. There's no other better lesson in explaining a modern art than this classic scene from the Malayalm movie 'Mazha peyyunnu maddalam kottunnu'(Watch from 2:10 to 4:50).

10. Now, why the hell are you reading this. You've just been inducted into the modern art hall of fame. Learn some art jargons and get ready for a world tour with your paintings. And don't forget to encash the cheque for your first painting. Its just been bought by an idiotic billionaire for 50 million dollars.
PS- No offence meant to any artists or any art connoisseurs. The things said in this post are meant to be taken in a lighter vein.

pic courtesy-thebagforum.com

your crusader Praveen